I smiled back, awkwardly bowed, and went into the room to change.
Why am I doing this? Why am I here?
I put on the gleaming white uniform and tied the white belt around my waste. My hands tied the belt effortlessly, just as they had done times beyond counting, 32 years ago.
32 years ago, in 1983, I was 18.
Do the math, yeah this year I turned 50.
Fifty...Fifty!
Why am I doing this? Why am I here?
Something has haunted me, for the past 35 years. It nagged away at me as I raised my two sons to adult hood. It's there in the back of my mind whenever I watch a movie with Martial Arts in it. Sometimes I even dream about it. You know those kinds of dreams that teleport you back in time and are full of emotions and vivid images of a time long forgotten.
I quit doing something I loved. I came very close to achieving the goal of getting my Black Belt in Tang Soo Do. However after almost three solid years of study and practice I quit.
I just quit.
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| Me at 16 Green Belt |
Tonight I walked out of the dressing room into the Dojang of World Champion Taekwondo in Fuquay NC feeling a little self conscious in my new uniform. Most of the class are much younger than I.
Many are children.
Why am I doing this? Why am I here?
I sat on the floor, began to stretch out.
At 50, I'm not in too bad of shape. I walk three to five days a week. I do push ups and sit ups regularly. I try to watch what I eat. But the older I get, the more I realize I need something to do that will keep me in better shape the rest of my life.
I tried weights, jogging, even a few classes of yoga. But nothing lasted, I bored too quickly, lacking the passion for those activities to continue.
I do need to take care of my body, is that why I'm here?
The question remained.
Why am I doing this? Why am I here?
I sat up for a moment taking in the Dojang. One wall was all mirrored. Another had the ten Student Commitments written there in big bold letter.
I read through the list, and I found my answer at the bottom.
"Always finish what I start."
And now I know.
That's why I'm here. I need to finish what I started as a teenager. I need to push my body and my mind once again. I want to regain the passion I had for martial arts. I want to revive what I allowed to die all those years ago.
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| 1983 2nd Gup Red Belt Tang Soo Do |
The school I have found is a traditional one, just like the school I attended all those years ago.
So the journey begins. I'm going to see if I can regain the skill level I once had, and beyond it.
This is a personal journey for me. I'm reconnecting to something I loved and something I was good at. To something that gave me two great friends I still have in my life today. Joe and Bobby, I hope you enjoy reading this!
We all have something like that don't we? An unfinished education, a musical instrument stuck in a case tucked under a bed somewhere. There are unwritten songs and unfinished novel taunting us in those quiet moments. Then there are those dreams placed on hold because we allowed people, events or even just life to get in the way of pursuing them.
This part of my journey is centered on me getting my black belt. I am starting from the beginning. The average time takes 3 years and I plan to blog on this every few weeks to journal my adventure.
Perhaps some of you will see this as my leaving markers along the way. Maybe they will help you, my reader, to rekindle something inside yourself.
Perhaps dust off a dream once again.
I look at the young person I was in these photos. There is nothing I can say to him to tell him not to quit. But perhaps I can do him a favor by putting on this uniform and taking this journey, one day at a time. Maybe I can learn more about who I was then, and who I am today.
